Why People-Pleasing Might Be a Trauma Response (And How to Heal It)
The Hidden Weight of Always Saying “Yes”
Picture this: You’re exhausted after a long day, craving nothing more than a quiet evening to unwind. Just as you settle in, your phone buzzes—it's a friend asking for a favor. You feel that familiar tug of obligation. Your heart says, I really don’t have the energy for this. But before you know it, you’re typing, Of course! Happy to help!
Sound familiar?
If so, you might be a people-pleaser. While kindness and generosity are beautiful qualities, constantly prioritizing others at the expense of your well-being can take a serious toll on your mental health.
In this article, we’ll explore why people-pleasing might actually be a trauma response, how it develops, and most importantly, how to heal from it so you can prioritize yourself without guilt.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is the tendency to put others' needs, wants, and expectations ahead of your own—often at the cost of your own well-being. It’s rooted in a deep-seated need for approval, stemming from fears of rejection, conflict, or disappointing others.
The Little-Known Trauma Response That Can Lead to People-Pleasing
People-pleasing isn’t just a habit—it’s a psychological response. Research on trauma responses identifies "fawning" as a survival mechanism, much like fight, flight, or freeze. The fawn response develops when people, particularly in childhood, learn that keeping others happy is the safest way to avoid conflict, neglect, or criticism. Maybe as a child, you learned that voicing your opinions led to anger outbursts from a parent; now as an adult, you subconsciously believe that keeping others happy is more important than voicing your needs.
According to psychologist Pete Walker, people who "fawn" often:
Struggle to assert themselves in relationships.
Avoid conflict at all costs.
Feel anxious when others are displeased with them.
Overextend themselves to gain validation.
If this sounds familiar, don’t worry—you’re not alone. And the good news? You can unlearn this pattern.
Are You a People-Pleaser? (Take the Test!)
Still unsure if you fall into the people-pleasing trap? Here are some telltale signs:
✔️ You consistently say "yes" when you want to say "no." Even when you're exhausted, overwhelmed, or simply uninterested, you feel an irresistible urge to agree. You might even justify it by thinking, It’s not a big deal, or I don’t want to upset them.
✔️ You apologize… a lot. Even when something isn’t your fault, you find yourself saying “sorry” just to keep the peace. You worry that if you don’t, others might think you’re rude or inconsiderate.
✔️ Disappointing others feels devastating. The thought of someone being upset with you feels unbearable, so you go out of your way to ensure that everyone is always happy with you. You may even take on disproportionate responsibilities at work or ignore your own needs just to avoid disapproval.
✔️ You put your own needs last. You prioritize making others happy so much that your own needs take a backseat. Taking time for yourself feels selfish or guilty, and asking for help feels like a burden.
✔️ You feel responsible for others’ emotions. If someone is upset, you immediately wonder, Did I do something wrong? How can I fix it? You take on the role of the peacemaker, even when it’s not your responsibility.
✔️ Your self-esteem fluctuates depending on external validation. Your self-worth is tied to making others happy. If they approve of you, you feel good. If they don’t, you spiral into self-doubt and question your worth.
If you nodded along to most of these, you’re likely caught in the people-pleasing loop. But here’s why that’s a problem…
How to Heal From People-Pleasing
Here’s how you can break free from people-pleasing and start prioritizing yourself:
1. Align With Your Needs and Self-Worth
If you’ve been putting your needs on the back burner, it’s time to reconnect with them. Reflect on your values, listen to your feelings, and trust your intuition.
Journal prompt: What are my key values? What brings me joy in daily life? What recharges me after a long day?
Remind yourself: I am enough. My needs matter. My voice matters. I am lovable as I am.
Pay attention to your body's signals when you say “yes” to something that doesn’t align with your needs—tightness in your chest, a pit in your stomach, or tension in your shoulders. These physical cues can help you tune into your true desires.
2. Set and Communicate Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re necessary for healthy relationships. Think of them as tools to foster mutual understanding rather than disappoint others.
Use simple boundary-setting phrases:
“Thank you for asking, but I can’t commit to that.”
“I’d love to help, but I have a lot on my plate right now.”
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
Celebrate and make it feel good every time you set a boundary! Your subconscious mind may associate boundary-setting with rejection, so reframe it as a positive experience: I honored my needs, and that feels good!
3. Start Small, Repeat, and Practice
Prioritizing yourself is like any habit—you learn by repetition. Start by saying “no” to small things, and build confidence over time.
Journal prompt: How do I address my needs in daily life? When do I feel most and least aligned with my values? Who do I lean on when I need support?
Practice this affirmation: I love and respect myself, and others do too. I set boundaries with love and attract relationships that honor me. My energy is sacred, and I choose how to share it without guilt.
Remember, You Are Worthy of Love
Saying "no" to others often means saying "yes" to yourself. You can be kind, compassionate, and caring without sacrificing yourself. Healing from people-pleasing means choosing self-love over self-sacrifice. The beginning might feel uncomfortable, but remember—those who truly care for you will respect your boundaries.
Most importantly, you are worthy of love just as you are. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that your needs matter, and start setting those boundaries. Your mental health will thank you.
Want to silence self-doubt for good? In my Self-Love Alchemy Blueprint, I’ll show you why your self-doubt isn’t real—and exactly how to break free from it. Download it for FREE here.
